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| Put me on the table. Let's cut me wide open. I'm laying sprawled and
stripped under the surgeon's lamp shining through the spaces between my
ribs. Look at all my faults. How could you respect me in a position like this? I can barely
respect myself.
I'm mad at you for saying those things to me. I'm mad at myself for giving you reason to.
And I'm bleeding for all my real good sense and all the sins that I made.
And I'm bleeding for another good intention gone the wrong way...
...She takes the blade and tucks it deep inside of me...
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| People get involved. They can't help it. It's like human nature to find another one to attach to. Emotionally and physically. Sometimes these connections can get pretty ambiguous. And sometimes you share these connections with more than just one person. No commitments, just feelings. The problem comes when these two people share a connection but not a common goal, feelings, intentions. It's a three legged race with two different finish lines. You can't win the race without cooperation and communication. These two are face down in the mud.
Following the events of last night I've been forced to reflect on commitments and what exactly it means to be "involved" with another human being. So let's take this hypothetical situation. A large group of friends and acquaintances gathers at a local bar for drinks. Lots of them. Each of them are connected in different ways. Okay, I was going to try to explain it, but it's too fucking confusing. So, basically it boils down to this:
You are with someone. You aren't going out. Not necessarily dating. But every once in a while you sleep in the same bed. It's casual. So here you are, at this bar. And so are they. And so is this other person you're "with." What is appropriate behavior in this situation? It's not wrong to be "with" both of these people. They know what's up. Paying attention to one hurts the other. Despite the lack of commitment, it's hard to see this person you share a bed with forming the same kind of attachment with someone else. You pay attention to neither and it hurts both. Despite the lack of commitment.
Maybe there is no such thing as a "casual relationship." Maybe humans are just too innately jealous to share something as one-of-a-kind as another person. But when something like this happens to you do you have the right to be angry? Jealous? After all, you're the one who willingly entered into this commitment-less connection. But is it fair that this person is making another connection right under your nose? Would it be wrong if they were to sneak around behind your back to protect you? After all, what do they have to hide?
Now how does it go with those real relationships out there? Actual commitments. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Even more seriously husbands and wives. Those can get pretty intense. This may be the person you love most in the world. Trust most in the world. Need most in the world. What if they betray you? What if they sneak around behind your back? Does your connection still have meaning? Is it just a lie? But you did the same. Who's in the wrong? Do you have the right to be angry when you committed a similar crime?
It all comes down to sex. And when I say sex, it might not even be just sex, but even a kiss. Anything sexual. It's one of the most powerful things. It drives people to do crazy things. Some people will say anything. Do anything. Create connections where ever they can. Risk breaking those commitments and connections they do have. Make or continue a connection with someone they know they shouldn't.
There isn't a solution to any of this. Just being honest isn't enough. But it's a start. Being honest may be one of the hardest things. It's hard because sometimes it gets in the way of sex. If the truth comes out, if the other person knows your intentions... I can't explain it, but you know what I mean. The chances for anything sexual go down when the truth comes out. For one, it eliminates that mystery that is so oddly attractive. You're less inclined to be with someone when you find out they just don't have the same intentions as you.
So back to the honesty. It starts with you. Ask yourself. Where is this connection going? What do I want out this? Be honest, and tell them what you come up with. It's about being up front. It's hard to say the words, especially if they are a little harsher than you'd like. But would it make everything easier in the long run? Seriously, what do you think? Just let it all out here. I'll do the same.
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| So, our lacrosse team set up a donation website. We are having some
trouble with fundings to get our team started, so if you're feeling
super generous stop by and throw us a few bucks. If not, at least take
a look at our sweet picture. (I'm the weird looking one in the back
row, second from the left.)
http://www.active.com/donate/cuwomenslax | | |
| I stole this from my girlfriend.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Ryann Marie
Do it!
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| I'm playing this game because I'm bored, and everyone else is doing it. Plus, I felt I need an update of some sort.
PLAY THIS GAME!!! but no using search engines
Step 1: Get your play list together, put it on random, and play.
Step 2: Write down the first line from the first 20 songs that play or close to it.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly
1. And if it was just how you wanted you'd be glued to his bones and his brainstem.
2. I don't feel a thing and I stop remembering.
3. You told me on your birthday all the things that this place had done to you.
4. Think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now.
5. You've got the perfect disguise and you're looking okay.
6. How ever you feel; whatever it takes.
7. Wait in line 'til your time.
8. Walking by your house, and reeking of the drinks I've had.
9. To get up and walk away would be too easy.
10. Girl, you have no faith in medicine.
11. So be it, I'm your crowbar.
12. If you think you're bulletproof you're right.
13. A heart that's full up like a landfill.
14. No, somehow you somehow knew
15. He don't remember how it got there; it had a number written on his forearm.
16. Every moment that you're here I feel ashes on my ear.
17. I'm coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.
18. It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.
19.
Heftur Með Gaddavír Í Kjaftinum Sem Blæðir Mig
20. I came back on the trail of a man; things are the same as when I left.
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